Nikah is a very sacred bond between a man and a woman. It’s a very important decision in one’s life, and the following things will help you to navigate through the decision-making process. Our only intention in formulating this is to provide you with a basic guideline to prepare you for Nikah. We wanted to make sure that you are in the right mindset to take a proper decision before entering this sacred bond.
1. Getting rid of bad habits.
2. Enhance the attitude of forgiveness, patience, and respect for fellow beings (elders, youngsters, male and females).
3. Inculcate the habit of inclusivity, appreciation, and encouragement.
4. We need to ensure we are happy and content with ourselves. This will manifest a radiant energy around you, creating an environment of happiness and tranquility.
Marriage is an institution comprising of many faculties. One of the fundamental elements in marriage is effective communication. For a blossoming relationship understanding your partners physical, psychological and emotional centres is the key. Every individual has a certain expectation from their partner, which may be different for both individuals. Gary Chapman, Ph.D , a marriage counsellor published his findings in 1992 in his book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts”. He found that in a troubled relationship, both the partners express their love to their spouse, but often it’s not the preferred form of love expression for their partner, leading to conflicts. He classified the expression of love into 5 broad categories:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Physical touch
3. Acts of service
4. Quality time
5. Receiving gifts
1. Words of Affirmation
These people like to be communicated verbally or via social media /text messages with words of Appreciation/ encouragement/ support / expression of love (I love you)
2. Physical touch
Touch, cuddling, hugs, kissing and physical intimacy are the key elements which make them feel loved, appreciated and protected.
3. Acts of service
People with Act of Service feel loved when their partner does some work for them, like making their favourite food, serving them some drinks when they are back from work, helping them in their work. They love if their partner understands and wants to share their dream of life with them.
4. Quality time
These people demand your undivided attention. They want you to be an active listener and patiently communicate with them. They need more frequent outings and personal time with you.
5. Gifts
These people feel loved only if they receive gifts on a regular basis. They don’t expect you to give expensive things, they appreciate any form of meaningful gift. It acts as a token of appreciation and gives them the feeling of being loved.
1. Improve your relationship with your close family members and elders.
2. Develop a culture of love, respect, humility, gratitude and forgiveness.
3. Respect the difference of opinion among your family and friends.
4. Be mindful/respectful of ideological differences between elder and younger members of the family.
Islam advocates the benefits of marriage. Many people are gravely concerned about the financial conditions to get married, our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said, marriage has such blessings that will increase the means of sustenance and Allah (SWT) provides the means of sustenance for the additional person. The bride’s family should discuss with the groom’s family about the financial standing and be comfortable with it.
We have studied many relationships and the challenges faced by the families and the spouses in this ever-changing modern times. We have formulated some things to reflect on, which may rule out the post-marriage problems. Please be MINDFUL and go through the list.
I know I am eligible if...
1. Replace 'my way or highway' attitude with mutual respect.
2. Be patient and forgive each other.
3. Avoid arguments and develop trust.
4. I don’t value material things over relationships.
5. I give my spouse the space he needs and not constantly monitoring every aspect of his life.
6. I try to be God-conscious in my life, to the best of my ability.
7. I am willing to learn and grow, work on my negative habits, and accept my mistakes with humility.
Note: Women have a natural monthly cycle that they go through, and it is so interesting to know that different stages of the cycle has different spiritual states. It is advised NOT to perform ISTIKHARA prayer when you are in the OVULATION PHASE. The hormonal changes may interfere with your decision-making ability.
I know I am eligible if...
1. Replace 'my way or highway' attitude with mutual respect.
2. I have a source of halal income and can provide for my family.
3. Male chauvinism does not dominate me.
4. I will be patient and forgive each other.
5. I will avoid arguments and develop trust.
6. I don’t de-value women to a maid or cook.
7. I intend to share household chores/responsibilities to the best of my ability.
8. I don’t value material things over relationships.
9. I try to be God-conscious in my life, to the best of my ability.
10. I am willing to learn and grow, work on my negative habits, and accept my mistakes with humility.
Marriage is a beautiful phenomenon, its not just the unification of a male and female, but its amalgamation of two families. Hence, it becomes more important to maintain the connectivity, adaptability and minimise the friction. It becomes the responsibility of every individual to strive towards achieving harmony in the family.
The harmony in the family catalyses the association between spouses and strengthens the relationship of wife and husband.
The elders/parent should give some personal space to the newly wed couples and gives them the opportunity to understand each other better.
The above guidelines are the basic minimal rules to have a healthy and prosperous relationship. We strongly recommend these qualities to be acquired and implemented in your lives before binding into a nikah.
Sincerely,
Sufi nikah team.
Getting married, the completion of Deen is a crucial decision one must take in life. It is a well debated topic among the youth. Let’s honestly ask ourselves, is the search for the perfect life partner very difficult or we are making it more difficult on ourselves by setting up too high of parameters/ expectations?
We all are human beings with the tendency to commit sins knowingly or unknowingly of different degrees depending up on the individual.
Always remember, Allah SWT loves to forgive you once you approach him with sincere heart for repentance.
Ask Allah SWT with a sincere heart and do istakhara, accept what he gives wholeheartedly and make dua that he blesses you both with baraka and Mohabbah We do not have the right to challenge his decisions.
If once dua is accepted for his right intentions, then we should thank Him (SWT) for making us ask what he decreed on us.
I am getting married for the love of Allah SWT and to abide by the sunnah of our beloved Prophet (PBUH) and prevent myself from falling into the haram/illicit relationships.
I make intention to have pious children and raise them to the best of our ability to be the reflection of the teachings of the holy Prophet (PBUH)
I intent to fulfil my sexual desire in a lawful manner with my wife/husband, enjoying each other in accordance to the Islamic law.
The fulfilment of the desire removes my beasty distraction and I make sincere intention that Allah SWT increase my focus in prayers.
I intend to encourage each other, strive hard to attain closeness to Allah SWT and try to abide by the Sunnah of our Holy Prophet (PBUH)
I ask Allah SWT and his Habib SWS to bless us with his Rehma and instill love, respect and baraka in our families…Ameen
Etiquette of approaching the family of bride and groom, things to consider
It’s best practice to involve the elders of the family especially parents/ relatives/elders or friends and in their absence any respected member from your community like the imam/community leaders.
The elders will serve as your representatives, serve as a good reference for you and they can enquire more via the references they get from the bride/groom’s family.
Sending any representative doesn’t mean that you must accept their decision. It’s totally up to your choice to take the final decision.
Its important to make a thorough enquiry, satisfy yourself and only then formally visit the family to see the potential bride/groom.
“When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. ...” (Abu Dawud).
Physical attraction is an important part of marriage. If they have the means, the bride and groom can meet to analyze the physical attraction. Only seeing the face and hands is sufficient to verify the physical attraction. They should maintain modesty/ haya/ decency. Please keep in mind DO NOT STARE and fear Allah SWT.
Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).
He also advised men: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).
Parents/guardians should not allow them to meet alone in a lonely place. Please make sure they meet at any public place, with a chaperone (some representative).
They should keep their modesty and only discuss relevant topics pertaining to their life e.g financial situation, their expectations, their religious practices, their compatibility with each other.
If they don’t feel the relationship will work, it’s better not to continue the conversation, say goodbye and please do not talk ill about each other or about their family.
If possible, make DUA for them, that Allah SWT make it easy for them to find their potential life partner… Ameen.
“Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious, and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).
Give religion your PRIORITY when seeking a spouse and Allah SWT will surely bless you with the rest. Ameen.
Common Mistakes to be Corrected:
1. We expect the person to stay the same all through our lives! It’s our naivety and immaturity to understand human relationships. So, make sure you choose someone who has the attitude and displays the readiness to learn and adapt. Additionally, the person who wants to grow spiritually, emotionally, financially with you and vice versa. Be ready to face changes and grow positively!
2. The partners’ values, life goals and priorities should be assessed for common grounds.
3. Often, we have expectations of qualities in a partner that we don’t possess. It is very important to cultivate/manifest in your own life before looking in others.
4. Remember you are marrying a human, always give room for mistakes and forgiveness. Know your principles and what you can and cannot tolerate, communicate effectively.
a. Ethos of Marriage
Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable. (Sura: 24 Verse:26)
Marriage is fulfilment of half of one’s Deen. It’s a very important and serious undertaking of one’s life. In Islamic tradition marriage is not just the union of two individuals but the coming together of two families. Before getting married one should make an honest effort to acquire knowledge and gain insights from the Holy Quran and the life of our Holy Prophet ﷺ. The bride/groom should try to follow the path shown by our Holy Prophet ﷺ,This is the only way to attain harmony in marriage.
"Some people look for perfection in their marriage partners. Perfection exists only in Heaven. To survive in this life, you need patience."
"Marriage is an order of God Almighty, and it is the way of the Prophets, also, from the first man Adam, and the first woman Eve. They made their marriage in paradise, and therefore Allah Almighty gives those who get married a sweet scent from Paradise so that they will be happy. "
"Always, when your wife is angry with you, bring her something that she likes. You must know, all of you: don't hurt your wives; Don't hurt your wives! Make them always pleased with you…"
"…If our wives did not serve as a hindrance, all of us would fall into hell. No one would take us out except our ladies, for they are our protection. So, when you go to work, take her hand [he stimulates kissing hand] and do the same at night, also."
"Don't be angry, then you will be a reasonable person and people will love you and respect you, then Allah (SWT) will love you and respect you."
"To the men, especially those who are religious - before looking right and left, look at yourself. How do you view women? Your night prayers, your daily fasts, your memorization of scripture, your charity, your pilgrimage, your knowledge and your teaching, your struggles for the sake of God-everything you do-won't get you to a point where you are something before God if you don't let all of that pass through the gateway of benevolence to women"
"The person who possess real love in their heart can never be defeated, learn to forgive"
"Marriage should be filled with so much beauty and affection that you should be able to talk day and night and still have millions of more things to say to each other, and if all of those words were placed together, they'd still be unable to sum up the Muhammadan love that your hearts contain for one another".
"Love is independence, love is freedom. Fall in love and let your love liberate you."
You will remain a perfect bachelor if you are in search of a perfect partner
Put your mind in gear before you speak. Be mindful of your speech as speech has its implications.
“Often love between two people intensifies not because of beauty or some advantage, but because of sheer spiritual affinity.”
“The hypocrite looks for faults; the believer looks for excuses.”
"Marriage is a means to attain spiritual growth, to learn selflessness, and to cultivate love and compassion."
Al-Ghazali emphasizes the importance of mutual respect, trust, and cooperation in marriage, as well as the need for spiritual growth and self-refinement.
“When we practice loving, kindness and compassion we are the first ones to profit.”
“Marriage is a sacred bond, a union of two souls. It's a journey of love, trust, and mutual growth."
"Marriage is a reflection of the divine love between the Creator and the created. It's a sacred trust, a bond of love and loyalty."
Ibn Arabi highlights the spiritual dimensions of marriage, encouraging couples to cultivate love, respect, and devotion.
Don’t be too fussy and have a long checklist of things. We need to be looking for people who have a basic goodness, humility and most importantly quality of the soul
"Marriage is a means to attain spiritual purification, to learn self-control, and to cultivate love and compassion."
Abdul Qadir Jilani highlights the importance of spiritual growth, self-refinement, and mutual respect in marriage.
“In Islam, the marriage is an act of worship it’s not a social utility. When you have sabr, Allah (SWT) rewards you, not your spouse “
Allah will bless the marriage of the one who marries to lower their gaze and protect themselves from falling into sin.
Men, do not feel intimidated by strong women. Remember Khadija (RA) was a strong and self-assured woman. The Prophet (SWS) was never intimidated by strong women. HE (SWS) encouraged their strengths and Khadija (RA) made him feel easy with strong women.
When you love Allah (SWT), HE will help you be away from haram. But when he loves you, He will keep haram away from you.
We have the concept of romantic love that’s built on desires and whims, and anything build on just desires and whims will fade away. You are not going to like 100% everything about that person, it’s the things you have patient with that allow to stay in love with that person. You overlook their faults. We constantly should make that choice and make the love positive which makes the love grow. Allah says in the Quran, He brings married couples together in Mawadda and Rahmah, love and mercy. Mawadda (love) is for good time and Rehma (Mercy) is for bad times.
Prioritizing things that really matter like a set of principles and values are the core tenants of any healthy relationship.
“Be expectant of the good- in your life and in creation- and you’ll find it -But on God’s terms, not yours “